disney - ohana

(no subject)

let's go, let's go, let's go on this magic wonder show...

Welcome to my journal. Most of the time, my posts are public, but I do go randomly and f-lock everything in one big swoop, usually about every few months. So, if you want to know how I've been doing for the last five years, comment to friend me, and more than likely, I'll be more than happy to do so in return. And if you don't know me, I'd check out my profile first, just in case.

default - alice at the gate


.....well. I can start on the 3rd. Right? I didn't register, so it's really just me doing it to do it on my own.

Plot? Purpose of nano project? I haven't really gotten there yet either. I kinda have an idea, but until I get back home tomorrow afternoon, reinstall word, and try to get it going, I don't want to say. Even though I'm fairly sure only one person is even reading this besides myself...

default - alice at the gate

Thinking about nano

So. I did nano in... Hmm... 2006? Yeah. So 7 years ago. I've attempted it twice since then, but I've never completed it since. I also am 99.8% sure that I've lost the text of every nano project, fanfic, or general piece of writing I ever did, thanks to two laptops' hard drives dying in the span of 3 weeks. But everyone tells me I should write, and recently I've been told I should take all of my "dear Meghan" posts from Facebook and turn them into a book for her. This actually appeals to me, because if nothing else, I can get a copy bound and give it to her someday. So, I may use my LJ as a way of keeping track of my nano, and so forth.

Hopefully. Ugh. I hate self doubt.

disney - ohana


So, i got a notice that my LJ had been used. so i went "OMG! i forgot about LJ!!!"

so yeah, hi. is there anyone here? should i come back?
disney - stark raving mad

(no subject)

I'm going to be applauded for what I'm about to say. I'm going to offend some people for the same words. I'm actually ok with both.

I'm boycotting CFA. Proudly. I'm not boycotting CFA bc Dan Cathy doesn't have the right to think what he thinks. That would be hypocritical on my part. Dan Cathy has every right to believe whatever he believes. He can even say it. That's called 'freedom of speech'. And I believe everyone has that privilege, no matter how much I disagree with with his opinion. I'm boycotting CFA bc, as the COO of a massive corporation, he's effectively said 'there is a population of my employees and my customers and my potential customers and possible future employees who I believe are less entitled to every freedom I'm blessed with than I am'.

Yes, he can have his PERSONAL opinion. But personal opinions should never be corporate opinions. There's a reason why all editorials possess the caveat "the opinions of this writer do not necessarily reflect the opinions of this organization". If you're going to take a stand and say 'this is what our company believes', it's no longer one man's opinion - it's an entire corporation's opinion. I can't imagine how painful it must be to be a LGBT employee/manager/office worker/executive for that company, knowing the company's 'official' stance. ‘We don’t claim to be a Christian business,’ Mr Cathy said. ‘Companies are not lost or saved, but certainly individuals are. But as an organization we can operate on biblical principles.’ Those were HIS words. It's a slap in the face to every single person who is on his payroll, and who eats in his restaurants, who doesn't follow the exact same 'biblical principles' he and his organization endorse.

Now, for the flip side - for anyone who may go, 'but a company that publically says they're pro-gay rights is speaking for an entire company', my argument still holds true. No population is being denigrated or having their rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness diminished. If you're anti-gay rights, you're probably heterosexual, and you've been allowed the legal right to marriage for a varied number of years now (sadly, I can't even say since the late 1700s, thanks to the atrocities known as slavery, Jim Crow laws, etc). Cathy's words denigrated a population of our society. The Jim Henson Company, who responded to Cathy's words by severing relations with CFA, said, "The Jim Henson Company has celebrated and embraced diversity and inclusiveness for over fifty years...". Anyone employed by the JHC who perhaps is conservative and believes in the same principles as Cathy isn't being maligned by Lisa Henson's words. Sadly, anyone who IS LGBT in the CFA company was.

It's no longer HIS personal opinion. Once he used the plural 'we', he spoke for an entire company. THAT is my problem. I sadly have to respect the fact that he has a Constitutional right to be a bigot who supports supressing human rights and dignities to a subset of the human race, otherwise I'm a hypocrite. But as the face of a company, his words were irresponsible, hurtful, and only served to again point out how badly the LGBT community is still treated in this 'land of the free'.

(And just in case it hasn't been made clear where I stand, let me say it right here. I don't believe in 'gay' marriage. I believe in marriage, pure and simple. Whether or not the two being married are gay or straight or what-have-you doesn't enter my equation. To paraphrase a quote used on the internet, "I don't gay park my car, and I don't have gay lunch. If that changes your opinion of me, I'd like to be able to say I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I am.)
default - alice at the gate


ok. so i haven't posted in...7 months exactly. i can't really use one thing or another as an excuse. i clearly find all the time in the world to post on facebook, for example. it's partly boredom of LJ, bc i feel like a) most everyone is on fb, and b) i felt for a long time like i didn't have anything huge and profound and fun and whatnot to share on here anymore. but...i don't want to entirely let go of a blog, per se. the last seven months have been a roller coaster. i've been watching meghan grow up (it's happening so fast!!!), i'm happy at my job once again (something that was a long time coming), i'm coming to terms with losing my mom (which is its whole entry in and of itself), and i've been trying to balance being mommy, friend, worker, wife, AND myself (which really is hard some days). i feel like so much has happened, and yet nothing all at the same time.

so. if anyone IS still out there and cares, let me know. i may do a friends' cut, just bc i feel like i don't know who may or may not still be interested in random posts from me. idk. thoughts?
default - alice at the gate

(no subject)

had a lousy day at work today, got some annoying news, and basically went off on a tangent, picked up my phone to call my mother to vent...and realized i can't.

i know i'm going to have lots of moments like this. that mourning and grief is a part of loss, and that i'm going to deal with this for years yet. it didn't make tonight easier. thank god meghan was content to watch cartoons and swing while i had a momentary meltdown. i miss my mom. i never really thought i would. we had so many issues that i kept thinking it would be easier if something happened. but now that it did...i'd do anything to have her back. to hear her go 'hi, hun, it's your mother' after i called HER. to see her write my street name incorrectly and roll my eyes. to groan as i see she called three times in an hour. all those things that were irritating and frustrating and irked me so much seem so meaningless now.

i want my mom back, damn it.
disney - stark raving mad

family sucks sometimes

it's official. my mother is only visiting for three days or so. technically four, but one day is taken up with meghan's baptism and party. and i'm really, really quite upset about it.

background: normally, i'd be thrilled if my insane mother was only planning to visit for three days. she is my insane mother, after all, and for those of you who may not remember all the drama my mother has caused in my life, i refer you to my family and therapy tags. suffice it to say, we do not have the healthiest relationship, and there have been many, many issues to work through over the years because of this.

if this were only about me, than yeah, three days would be my upmost max. we do well with three days. four is pushing it, five makes me want to plot her demise. but it's not about me, it's about meghan. my mother has this habit of putting all the responsibility and blame on others around her. it's never her fault if things don't work out, or we need to be more understanding, or it was because of other obligations. yes, jesse (my youngest brother) is in school, and dan (my stepfather) will be in alaska working. you know what? jesse is 10 yrs old. he can be alone for an hour or so at a time. my grandmother is staying at the house the week she and christian are gone, to be there for jesse and adam (my second-youngest brother, who is 23 and autistic. if she can't be there longer, christian (middle brother, 25) has watched the younger cousins numerous times, and driven them to/from school enough, that the aunts and uncles in town could help out. (but i'm convinced grandma would stay. she doesn't get to see jesse a whole ton and adam only needs someone to make sure he doesn't burn the house down cooking).

i had to listen to days of her crying on the phone because "it hurt" that my MIL was with meghan and she wasn't. i felt so much guilt from that. just buckets and buckets of guilt and blame. it wasn't my fault she couldn't be here. yes, i'd said it was silly for her to plan her trip around my due date because what if i were early/late. i suggested she wait til the baptism because i had to listen to a chorus of "but i'm never going to see her at thanksgiving or christmas or easter or her birthday..." every day for ages. i wanted her to have some special occasion to be here for. but if she really wanted this badly to spend time with her, why not fly out sooner to see who she needs/wants to see? i just feel it's hypocritical at best, and unfair to meghan at worst. i know she'll be leaving for home, and all i'll hear at o'hare is "but i only got three days with her..." it's HER CHOICE to only have three days with her. and then she'll fly home, after having spent a small fortune on her, spoiling her and buying her clothes and things, and cry and whine because of it, and i'll be the one hearing about it. it's not fair to me to have that laid on my shoulders, and it's not fair to meghan to grow up hearing that nonsense from 'mamaw harrington'. phone calls and skype sessions and cards and letters, all basically saying "mamaw wishes she could be there..." you know what? save the money, and come once a year. don't buy her presents, and use that money for a plane ticket. plan it into the annual family budget. megs will never, ever want for anything. she will have clothes and books and an education and food and yes, toys. she will be fine. i don't want her to think of her grandmother as someone who is never here, but buys expensive things. i want her to think of her grandmother as someone who isn't around often, but when she is, she cares. for my daughter's sake, yes, i can deal with my mother's addiction to pain meds, and her selfish refusal to admit to abusing us, and her rose-colored memories of the past that are completely inaccurate. i can let that nonsense go so meghan has a healthy, well-rounded home life. i want meghan to have the one thing i never had - a whole, happy family on BOTH sides of the family tree, and a wealth of unconditional love from those people fortunate enough to be in her life, blood relation or no. i don't want her to grow up with my mother using the same messed-up lack of responsibility she burdened us with.

i'm just hurt. not for my sake. for meghan's. bleh.
disney - ohana

(no subject)

one month ago today, my life changed completely and absolutely, without doubt for the better.

in the last 31 days, i've lost sleep. i've learned how to fill a bottle at 2am while holding a screaming newborn who is STAAARVING! and desperate for food. i've changed more cloth diapers than i can count. i wash bottles twice a day. i've bought the smallest hangers i could imagine hanging clothing from. i've learned how to type with one hand, how to reach into the backseat and fish for a lost pacifier and pop it back into her mouth blindly, and how to take a shower in 3 minutes or less.

i've also spent whole days simply holding her. i've learned to appreciate the wonder in a pair of wide-open eyes, the peacefulness of a sleeping child, the humor in the expressions she makes. i've watched her grow so much so soon. i've watched her go from screaming through bathtime to being soothed by the warm water. i've seen family, friends, and complete strangers enjoy her cuteness and her perfection. i've learned what a precious gift holding my own child is, and imagined what gifts the future holds for me.

one month ago today, i held my little girl for the first time. my world changed forever.

the best gift i've ever received. the best gift i've never deserved.

happy birthday, meghan.